“Mold, Marriage, and Intentional Community” by Wesley Spears
“Temptation is being in isolation and wooed by doubt”– Jackie Hill Perry
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To note: In no way do I intend this as a commentary on the role or effectiveness of professional counseling. This is a critique of our tendencies in relational conflict, our general brokenness in relationships, and what a more proactive, preventative approach would be to maintaining healthy relationships.
Mold and marriage. The two are related, I promise.
Have you ever tried to clean mold off of a shower curtain liner? It brings renewed meaning to the word “futile.” In my household, we go through a cycle of swearing to keep the liner clean – and then replacing it every 6 months because the mold encroaches on our illusion of a sanitary bathtub until we can’t, in good conscience, ignore it any more.
Harmful relational patterns, particularly in long-term relationships like marriage, are like mold on a shower curtain that flourishes in the dark and damp. To have even a chance at eradicating this mold, we have to bring it to light (and lots of bleach). Ironically, it takes much more effort to clean months of mold off of a shower curtain than to prevent it from growing in the first place. If we regularly inspect and clean the shower curtain, preventing mold is manageable. If we don’t, then we end up throwing away the curtain and replacing it – albeit probably two months later than we should have. It seems to me that people tend to deal with relational rot, and all the contributing factors (sin, unhealed wounds, addictions, etc.), in the same way: we ignore it all as long as possible, and then attempt to scrub and clean as a last resort. If that does not work how we hope, we throw away and replace. And the whole scenario may very well repeat.
The pattern plays out something like this: we hide or downplay our deepest relational issues from the ones who might care or want to help. If we do talk with people about our conflicts, we naturally gravitate to those who will validate our side. I hear this frequently among peer and friend groups of all ages. There are a standard set of gripes for both men and women about their spouses respectively. These gripes are not challenged in these groups. They are validated: “that’s all men care about” or “that’s just the way women are.” With this mentality reinforced, we will continue living as we always have. Only when a perceived crisis arises do we truly open up about our problems. When we realize that the situation is out of our control, we might seek help from professional counselors. Then, depending on our teachability, quality of counsel, situation, support system, and a host of other factors, the relationship may recover. However, going through professional counseling as a last resort is an uphill battle – like scrubbing mold that has been growing and spreading on a shower curtain for 6 months. It’s reactive, and therefore may be too late.
Let me just say at this point that I think that we all need good counseling. However, we need it way before the crisis hits. To use business managerial lingo, we need a “proactive, preventative approach” to help save relationships, and not just reactive desperation. The reality is that relationships rot way before we realize it – and way before we try to do anything about it in full force. The old adage “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is a good one – unless you are blind to the brokenness. We need help seeing and addressing the brokenness in order to fix it before it’s so broke that it “can’t” be fixed. To quote my pastor, we need “preventative maintenance” in our life. He was talking about relationship with God. I think it applies to marital relationships as well.
Since all of this sin and blindness that result in poor relational direction breeds especially well in isolation, and since we need counsel, but can’t live in a professional counselor’s office, intentional community is where this “preventative maintenance” can happen. Such community is where the regular, gentle scrubbing that prevents the buildup of relational mold can occur. Gatherings of people who love us more than we love ourselves. People who will question our motives and won’t be deterred by our defenses. People with which we can laugh and play, and also cry and confide our suspicions. People who have such insight into our personal life that they can tell if we are struggling relationally. Perhaps most important, people who will speak love and truth based upon what they see.
Wait just a minute. People. Really? That’s a solution? On one hand, yes – I think the simple answer is that more genuine community will help with the relational issues we face. On the other hand, people are flawed, so it is important to build this community with people you trust (despite their flaws). As a start, maybe we should just stop wanting people to “mind their own business.” After all, are we really any good at managing our own business? (That we are so intent on keeping it to ourselves indicates “no”).
Anyway, they say it’s good to define your terms, so here we go: I said “intentional community”, which may sound like a couple of meaningless buzzwords. However, here are three key factors that define what I mean and set this specific type of community apart – all of which are contrary to our natural tendencies:
Intentional
Side note: I know, you’re not supposed to use half the term in its own definition, but I guess I’m bad at following rules…
Simply put, if this community is not intentional with one another it will become pointless. I know this because I have been in small groups that had noble stated purposes, but no lasting intentionality – meaning they largely failed in the long run.
Intentionality, as we mean the word here, consists of a few things:
• Commitment. We all want this from others – until we don’t (usually right when we have dirty laundry that we don’t want to air out). We certainly want more of it from others than we want to give. To be intentional, though, requires conscious commitment to those who you are in community with. It requires commitment to engage with them in whatever the situation is, whatever they or you are going through.
Commitment to engage does not mean “always have an answer.” It means “I am here for you and with you, and will not walk away just because this is awkward.”
• Consistency. This is the harder one for me. Consistency is the substance and depth of commitment. It is the component of community that builds trust over time by proving over and over, through the mundane of life, that people are there for you. Consistency may very well be more meaningful than commitment itself.
Let’s use marriage for an example: The marriage vows are deep, heartfelt, and emotional in the moment, but you will not feel secure or loved just because your spouse made a sincere commitment to you eight years ago. It will be a daily expression of genuine love over eight years (over 2,900 days) that will give you confidence in your spouse loving you for one more day, each day.
Intentionality, that is, consistent commitment to engage with each other, is crucial if a community is going to benefit us when we are going through any kind of marital or relational tensions.
Vulnerable
If intentionality wasn’t uncomfortable enough, try vulnerability. It’s risky. It is more than letting others know what you think. It is telling people when you have problems – and inviting all the probing questions to follow. Simply put, it’s exposing your weaknesses. With Jesus, the best defense is no defense. Similarly, when we lay aside our defenses in trusted community, we and others are able to honestly assess situations and encourage each other in the best way forward. It is also simply more enjoyable to be friends with people who know you and still love you than to always pretend in hopes that they will like you.
A note on pretending: It’s easy to pretend once a week. Honestly, it’s easy to pretend daily. But it’s hard to pretend when someone presses into your life with love and grace. You either let them in or you become defensive, but you don’t continue to pretend. If you are committed to your mask more than to the people who are committed to you, you will never experience the depth of community and encouragement that we are discussing here.
Truthful
Truth is the ballast for this framework of community. It is the guardrails that keep us on the road. Without truth, communities get weird or shallow really quick. It’s a tossup, but I think truth is the element that is missing most in our naturally occurring social groups. What good is it to have people who know your issues, but don’t give you an honest or objective response? At best, you may feel validated in your opinion if everyone agrees, or you may have an awkward moment when your friend disagrees but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But is this really best? Groupthink easily sets in, and then we all happily drive off the road into the ravine, convinced that this is the best route because, well, we said so (never mind the reserved member of the group who timidly remarks that he prefers paved roads as we drive off the cliff – he’ll come around).
Now, at this point, we will NOT proceed deeply into a discussion of what is truth, or how you know what is objectively true. Jesus said “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life” and that “God’s Word is truth.” Start (and end) there. (If you are someone who does not believe this, or that the Bible is God’s main way of telling us truth, feel free to skip this paragraph, and perhaps we can chat about it another time). God does not detail what to do in every relational nuance. What he does, is tell us what our posture and motivation should be in every situation, which can be summed up in those two great commandments: wholly love God, and love others. His callings to love are ultimately grounded in the life, sacrifice, and triumph of His Son, Jesus. This truth is powerful and life-changing – it is the power of relationship with God, the Creator and Origin of Truth itself (or himself, if you prefer). We can know a measure of what is right and wrong, which can largely be understood to be what He loves and hates, respectively. Community that is grounded in the Truth, this relationship with God, this knowing His character, actions, and standards, and committed to speaking out of it and all its implications will be critical.
Complementing objective Truth is the truth of experience: what someone actually said, did, experienced, or would do. This is where we learn from others, and it’s rather obvious that you have to be around others willing to talk about it for this to be helpful. A community of truth-tellers will not only be people who say “this is true,” but those who also share their stories honestly. They will understand their experience is not necessarily a prescription for others, but that it is a disservice to others to watch them make the same mistakes, or miss the same opportunities.
Most beautiful is when experiential truth is shared in light of the overall Truth. Such vulnerability is invigorated with the power of redemption, of hope, of direction. In other words, other people and their stories are not themselves the measuring stick of our relational state or of what we should do when our relationships break. But people who will speak objectively and in light of their personal experiences may be even better than a measuring stick.
Intentionality. Vulnerability. Truth. At the root, we are talking about walking in light instead of shadow – or half-light. Darkness cannot exist in light. Since we were created to be in fellowship with others (see Genesis 2 and all of human history), and we are called to live in the light (see the rest of the Bible, but particularly 1 John 1), then we must do this together. However, because of our natural inclinations to hide our worst parts, we need a community of people committed to the particular kind of relationship with each other that points us all to Jesus. Along the way we will have relational problems that threaten our marriages, but they likely will be apparent before they are a crisis, and repentance and resolution may become not such insurmountable mountains.
About the Author, Wesley Spears
Every scene has shadows, every story has contrast, and mine is no different. Overall, though, it’s a story of God’s faithfulness. I do not remember a day that Jesus Christ was not my Lord and Savior. However, I remember many days when I did not live like He was. Yet, He always brings me back. I believe knowing God is the most important and beautiful pursuit any human can embark on, because God is the most important and beautiful being. I hope He uses me to bring Him glory, and to bring more people into joyous relationship with Him.
Married to the most amazing woman, and father of two, I am regularly reminded how gentle and giving the Lord is. I am passionate about intentional community, meaningful conversations, marriage, deer hunting, accidentally over-thinking everything, and taking God seriously. You can check out what is a new adventure in vulnerability & faith for me at experience-of-grace.com.
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