“Sex After You’ve Saved Yourself ” by Kaitlin Chappell Rogers
Abstinence.
Purity.
Virginity.
These are words you might hear from or about someone waiting until marriage for sex.
But what kind of words do you hear from them after they get married?
A lot of silence. That’s what I hear from my fellow newlyweds. Because no one wants to talk about it.
I honestly thought waiting until I was married to have sex landed me front row tickets to the best sex in the world. Instead, I got nosebleed seats that left me wondering if I was doing something wrong.
I mean, we did what we were supposed to do, right? We denied our flesh what it really wanted and held off until the moment God had ordained for us to become one.
We expected God to gift us with the kind of sex you see on Scandal or Sex and the City, but guess what? Those shows aren’t realistic and they also aren’t godly. (Sorry if that ruins your day. It ruins mine too. I love those shows, but I know that I can’t watch them because of what they do to my mind and soul. Rant over.) And The Bible also never says, “Hey. Save yourself for marriage and you’ll have mind-blowing sex!”
The Bible does say, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral,” according to Hebrews 13:4 NIV.
God wants us to honor marriage and pursue purity over passion outside of marriage. He wants us to enter into marriage with clean hearts and minds ready to be molded however He sees fit. He knows that sex is an act of intimacy with our partner AND with Him. Sex is not just about our pleasure — it’s also about our connection with the Father. He gives it as a gift for our enjoyment, but He hopes it will draw us closer to our spouse and closer to Him.
Any time I’m having coffee with a woman who has remained a virgin, the conversation comes up. She asks what she should expect and what sex inside of marriage is actually like. Actually, the conversation comes up with non-virgins and people who have been married for several years, too. And I’m always very honest about the struggle of learning how to do something I once viewed as the ultimate sin.
Our minds have to flip a switch from sin to celebration, and that ain’t easy. But, God knows that, and that’s why we can go to Him with even our sex problems. Yes, that’s right, YOU CAN PRAY ABOUT SEX! Wild, I know, but just give it a try.
And let me tell ya — involving God in my sex life was the best thing I’ve ever done. I KNOW someone is reading this thinking I am a crazy, Jesus-freak, overly spiritual woman who just said God and sex in the same sentence, but I am being very serious.
We are encouraged to be intimate with God by God Himself.
James 4:8 (ESV) says, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.”
He wants us to get closer.
Psalm 63:1-10 (NIV) says:
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
Some of my most intimate moments with God have been during intimate moments with my husband. And I hope that doesn’t freak you out. I hope it encourages you and reminds you the real reason for sex. Yes — it’s for our pleasure, but it’s also to re-seal the covenant we made with God and our spouses.
Sex is something we need to talk about more. And maybe not to everyone (looking at myself writing about it for the entire internet to read), but to people we trust. And in church. And in small groups. And around dinner tables with our girlfriends who point us back to Jesus. And TO OUR HUSBANDS.
We can’t figure marriage or sex or money out without talking about it and taking steps to improve and thrive. God wants us to thrive in every area of life. He wants us to walk in the abundance He offers. So, let’s use the tools He has given us to grow. Let’s live in purity and look at intimacy as the spiritual gift it was intended to be.
Bad sex doesn’t mean you are a failure. And it doesn’t mean your husband is a failure. It means you are growing and learning together with God at the center. Give yourselves and each other some grace and go get those front row seats you deserve. God is calling your name from the box office, and He wants to upgrade you from those nosebleed seats!
Please don’t listen to the lies the world tells you about sex and your body any longer. God wrote the narrative on sex a million years ago (read Song of Solomon), and that’s what He wants you believing.
Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (CSB):
“How beautiful are your sandaled feet, princess!
The curves of your thighs are like jewelry,
the handiwork of a master.
Your navel is a rounded bowl;
it never lacks mixed wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
surrounded by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.”
See what I mean!
Sex INSIDE marriage is not a sin. Sex can be fun. Sex is necessary for your marriage. Let’s flip the switch and stop acting like sex is a chore when it’s meant to be a blessing.
And if you’re still waiting for sex inside marriage, hold on to purity and know that it is the key to unlocking a beautiful gift from God.
Let’s be women who pursue purity outside of marriage and accept the promise of passion inside marriage. Sex is spiritual, and so are you. Get close to God and watch what happens in your bedroom and every other room of your house.
And sister, if you didn’t wait, if you made any kind of sexual mistake, please know God loves you just the same. He forgives and makes all things new. Do not feel shame for anything you did in the past. Just crawl up in God’s lap and let Him remind you how very special you are to Him. We have all been there, regretting something we said, thought, or did, but guilt is not from God — GRACE IS.
~ Written by Kaitlin Chappell Rogers ~
Kaitlin is a newlywed striving to be a strong half of a Kingdom team with her hunk of a husband. She is a lover of words, good coffee, and exploring new cities. Her favorite places include airports, hotel rooms, and bookstores and she has yet to meet a stranger she didn’t like. Kaitlin is addicted to shopping, yoga, and brunch and couldn’t make it a single day without her dream-supporting family and best friends. She hopes everyone who meets her sees Jesus in her eyes and feels a little lighter when they leave her presence. You can say hi to Kaitlin on social media at @kchaprogers on Instagram and Twitter, @kaitlinchappellrogers on Facebook, or on her website at kaitlinchappell.com!
One Comment
There is so much wisdom here from such a young and beautiful lady. Jesus is seen through every word! Congratulations on understanding something so important!