“The Decision” by Tim White
The Decision
by Tim White
My oldest child would have been 31 years old this year had he had he lived. Perhaps he would have had kids of his own. Maybe he’d been the scientist who found a cure for Alzheimer’s so his grandpa could be cured. We’ll never know though. You see, his life was taken just 3 months after he was conceived. I call him a “he” but to be fair, I don’t know if the baby was a boy or girl. Somehow, I just always pictured him as a boy. Here’s the story of him, me, and God taking something unspeakably broken and turning it in to something beautiful.
It was the fall of 1985. My fiancé and I were preparing to get married when we found out she was pregnant. We panicked! We both came from conservative homes and a very conservative church and knew they would frown upon us for having premarital sex. We knew what they’d say about us at church – because we’d heard it said about other couples. We felt we could never show our faces there again if they found out. We decided to terminate the pregnancy as soon as we got married.
We went to see an obstetrician who confirmed the pregnancy. They did an ultrasound to estimate the age of the baby. We saw movement and heard the heartbeat. She was near the end of the first trimester of her pregnancy. The doctor warned us of the dangers of aborting the baby and to his credit, did his best to talk us in to keeping him. There wasn’t anything wrong with our baby – something was wrong with us.
A week or so later, we made our way to the abortion clinic in Birmingham, AL. On the drive there, the car was quiet. I don’t even think the radio was on – at least if it was, I didn’t hear it. I was lost in thought. I was about to do something I never thought I was capable of doing. I know in my heart that if I’d told my wife I didn’t think that we should do this, she’d have immediately agreed and we would have had the baby.
When we arrived at the clinic, I remember it like it was yesterday. The room felt cold – not necessarily the temperature – it was more like a soul chilling cold. Everything in me was screaming for me to take my pregnant wife and run from that place. I didn’t. We filled out the paperwork and sat in complete silence waiting for her to be called back. It wasn’t too late yet – I could still keep this from happening. Then they called her name and took her back.
I was left alone in the waiting room. The weight of the decision we’d made was heavy on my shoulders. I’m not sure how long she was back in the procedure room. To me, it felt like an eternity.
Finally, a nurse came out and told me they were finished and asked me to pull the car around. The car ride home was quiet – except for the occasional sob from my wife. I couldn’t talk to her – what would I say to her? I’d failed her as a husband and I’d failed to protect the helpless baby in her womb just a few short hours earlier. Saying I’m sorry would have been completely inadequate. How could she ever forgive me for the part I played in killing our unborn child.
That evening, she described the procedure and how horrible it felt as they suctioned the baby out of her. I was a broken man. What had I done? She and I never talked about it again after that night although it’s something that she and I will never be able to forget.
A month or 2 later my mom took me to the side and asked what had happened to the pregnancy. Initially, I played it off as if there was no pregnancy but she saw right through me. I told her what we’d done with tears streaming down my face. My mom gently took my face in her hands and said “Did you think we’d love you any less? Did you think we wouldn’t love the baby?” She wrapped her arms around me and just held me for a little while before whispering “I forgive you” in my ear. She’ll never know what that meant to me. I thought what we’d done only affected my wife and I but I was wrong. If affected my entire family.
Life continued on and even though I didn’t think of what we’d done, I carried the guilt of it every day. My wife and I divorced some time later. I don’t know if the abortion played a part in it or not. Since we never talked about it, I don’t think either of us had dealt with the grief that came with our action.
Several years after our divorce, I met and married an incredible godly woman. We made a pact with each other early on in our relationship that we would do things the way God intended for us. One of the things we do every night is pray together. One night – after a particularly difficult Sanctity of Life Sunday (which always reminded me of my guilt and shame) – I related the story of the abortion. She just listened quietly while the occasional tear rolled down her cheek. I didn’t know what her reaction would be. Would she be so angry that she’d want to end our marriage? Her reaction was one of tenderness and mercy. Softly, she asked me if I’d asked for God’s forgiveness for what I’d done. I responded that I had. Then she said if God forgives you, then you need to forgive yourself. Wow! That shook me to my roots. In that moment of time, I realized that He had forgiven me – I was just holding myself captive with my own unforgiveness. I had to ask God to help me turn loose of the guilt that He’d already forgiven me for. It’s easier said than done though. I needed to grieve the little boy that I’d not allowed myself to grieve for.
I approached my pastor after church one day when he’d talked about abortion and that women who needed help could come talk with counselors. I asked him what do guys do who need to talk to someone about the abortion they were dealing with too. I remember him looking right at me with a puzzled look on his face and he said – I don’t know. You’re the first person to ask about it. He agreed though that there were probably a lot of guys out there like me who needed to talk with someone.
I contacted Choose Life and was the first man to go through the Healing Hands counseling. As it turns out, God had laid it on their hearts to start a program to help guys like me. They also started up a mentoring program for the guys who come through their doors daily with their girlfriends or wives. There are a great group of men that went through mentoring training and are available to mentor other guys who want that now.
I’m amazed at how God took my brokenness and turned it in to something that He’s using now for the glory of His Kingdom! He will do that for you too. Men – if you participated in the decision for your wife or girlfriend to have an abortion, don’t carry that guilt. Ask God to forgive you – then forgive yourself. Let Him have your brokenness. He’ll turn it into something absolutely beautiful. If you need someone to talk with, please contact Healing Hands at Choose Life at healinghands@chooselifehuntsville.org or by phone at (256) 534-1996. They will put you in contact with me or one of the other male mentors.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NIV
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